forgiven inadequacy

a year has come and gone. lots has occurred: full time job at whole foods. checking out cru at umd. applying to umd. working 40 hour weeks. being accepted into umd. drama with people at work. i.e. men. [ha. man oh man]. deciding to quit WF. starting a new chapter of my life at University of Maryland. taking college classes again. being involved in cru. making friendships with Christ as the foundation. commuting 45 min each way. big break in panama city beach, FL. discovering more of who jesus is. realizing He loves me and forgives me despite anything i could do or have done. going on summer project to Australia with cru.

one paragraph. lots of decisions. a boat load of emotions all wrapped up in there.

At Big Break, one of the speakers was Matt Mikalatos [he wrote a book: Imaginary Jesus. go read it. and stick through it till the end. the middle is a bit weird, but the end is incredible]. He spoke about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with bread and fish. [john 6:1-14] Jesus used the bread and fish that a little boy brought Him, which wasn't very much at all, 5 loaves and 2 fish. even the disciples were skeptical: "Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?" [john 6:9]. But Jesus took that and added to it and was able to satisfy the hunger of all 5,000 people.

We are to do this too. but instead of offering bread and fish, we offer ourselves. which is such a frightening thought. but not if you remember the story. Jesus takes what is brought to him [bread, fish, .us.] and uses it [us] to the best extent he can and adds to it to complete His plan.

This is definitely what i need to be reminded of. especially going to Australia this summer. I keep freaking out about what if i'm not ready yet, what if i can't handle everything - telling others about christ, going to a foreign land, stepping out of my comfort zone. and ultimately my hugest fear: dealing with a kind of stress i haven't before and not turning to cutting. I worry that since this stress is something i really haven't experienced before i will turn back to my old ways of relieving it. all these thoughts over take me and freeze me in feeling completely inadequate.

But if i remember the feeding of the 5,000, God is only asking me to bring what I can, which is myself. He will take me and use the gifts he has given me, the passions he has given me, and He will do the rest. He will fill me up with himself so I can complete his will. so so comforting. knowing that I am not doing this all on my own and that Jesus will be with me.

all he wants is myself. and my willingness. He will do the rest.