Friday, November 11, 2011

He is Mighty and Moving.

There are so many things to write about. So many. But I will stick with just one for now because I don’t want to forget it, or forget how God is mighty and moving.

I have taken on a minor: Global Poverty.

A few weeks ago I was trying to decide if I should take on this minor or any for that matter. I talked to Jesus about it and was trying to figure out if this is where He wanted me to go with my education. When signing up for classes I discovered that I would not be able to register for classes full time in my major of Public Health because all the upper electives for health were already full. Bummer. But this meant that in order to stay full time and not just take random classes I would be able to take on this minor and have the classes count for something!

God: my child, I want you to take on this minor. I have made it possible for you.

Once I declared the minor, there seemed to be so many different opportunities to learn more about what I could use it for. God has placed advocacy on my heart lately. I feel he is leading me to be an advocate for something, but I am unsure for what exactly. Then all these events started coming up.
- This past Sunday was Orphan Sunday and there was an event for orphan advocacy at a friend’s church. Say what, Jesus?
- Next Wednesday there is an event about advocating, organizing and creating change in Maryland’s homeless population; specifically Baltimore.
- Next Saturday there is an event about being able to make in impact through social justice and about how much mercy matters. There are several organizations going to be there that, get this, are organizations where I can intern at for the global poverty minor: Bread for the World, World Vision, and others. And get this also, Cru is helping to host this event. Wait, Jesus, really really?

This Saturday a few friends are getting together to go to Baltimore to hang out for the day. Brianna said that we should make sandwiches to take for the homeless. She said that whenever she goes down to Baltimore she hurts for the homeless and wants to be able to share with them what we have. - wait, what? Isn’t there an event about this on Wednesday?! Oh Jesus, we are able to put this into action already.

I have been praying and seeking the Lords wisdom in what I should do with my summer next year. I came across this wonderful internship with Compassion International in Colorado. Fantastic opportunity because it goes perfectly with my major of Public health and minor of global poverty and it’s a paid internship! Only problem is that the minimum GPA to apply is 3.2. Meaning I have to get 2 A’s and 2 B’s this semester for it to happen. It’s possible, but I have to work my butt off.

Then I get an email from Cru saying that my name has been passed on as someone who may have an interest in going on Cru’s Summer-In-The-City Project. How my name got passed on, only God know. Such timing, huh? You spend the summer in an inner city ministering to the poor yet having hands on opportunities to help with poverty, racial reconciliation, and cross cultural understanding. This I am very unsure about, but am definitely praying it through. This email also comes at a time when I am deciding on whether or not to take a 5th class next semester. A class about this very topic. Public Health in the City: Global & Domestic Perspectives on Health in the Urban Environment. Wait, say what?

This morning I was talking over with Jesus on whether or not I should take this class. I was thinking against taking it because I felt that my heart was not that passionate about it, and in order for me to spend time doing something I have to be passionate about it for me to be any bit successful. I was asking God to give my heart a passion for this area or direct my passion elsewhere.

Right after I was asking Jesus to allow me to hear what he has to say and listen to him, something popped into my head. What do you have to do to be passionate about something? Learn more about it! And to learn more about it you have to study it. You study to learn more about a topic. And as you learn more you become passionate about the topic.

God totally answered my question on whether or not to take this class.

He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humble with your God. - Micah 6:8

Saturday, April 16, 2011

beautiful masterpiece

Lately I've been struggling with liking myself and wrestling with God on how he made me. A lot of it stems from insecurity, but i also thing satan is playing a role in telling me the lies that i am believing. It's hard for me to think that God created me to have scars on my arm, to be overweight, to be insecure in my thoughts and personality at times. No, he didn't specifically create me this way, but he has allowed me to figure out who i am through my cutting and weight issues. He has allowed these things into my life and he has used them to create a beautiful daughter in myself. This is hard for me to believe at times.

I was reading Isaiah tonight and came to these verses,
Isaiah 45:9-12 - Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker. Does the clay say to the potter, "what are you making?" does your work say, "he has no hands." woe to him who says to his father, "what have you begotten?" or to his mother, "what have you brought to birth?"

This is what the Lord says - do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands? it is i who made the earth and created mankind upon it. my own hands stretched out the heavens and all their host I have commanded.

wow. who am I to question what he has created? why am I second guessing him about his child; questioning him about the way he created me? why do i feel the need to order him into making me who I want me to be? God didn't just create man, but the whole earth. He knows what he's doing, who am i to try and go against that by questioning it?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

forgiven inadequacy

a year has come and gone. lots has occurred: full time job at whole foods. checking out cru at umd. applying to umd. working 40 hour weeks. being accepted into umd. drama with people at work. i.e. men. [ha. man oh man]. deciding to quit WF. starting a new chapter of my life at University of Maryland. taking college classes again. being involved in cru. making friendships with Christ as the foundation. commuting 45 min each way. big break in panama city beach, FL. discovering more of who jesus is. realizing He loves me and forgives me despite anything i could do or have done. going on summer project to Australia with cru.

one paragraph. lots of decisions. a boat load of emotions all wrapped up in there.

At Big Break, one of the speakers was Matt Mikalatos [he wrote a book: Imaginary Jesus. go read it. and stick through it till the end. the middle is a bit weird, but the end is incredible]. He spoke about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with bread and fish. [john 6:1-14] Jesus used the bread and fish that a little boy brought Him, which wasn't very much at all, 5 loaves and 2 fish. even the disciples were skeptical: "Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?" [john 6:9]. But Jesus took that and added to it and was able to satisfy the hunger of all 5,000 people.

We are to do this too. but instead of offering bread and fish, we offer ourselves. which is such a frightening thought. but not if you remember the story. Jesus takes what is brought to him [bread, fish, .us.] and uses it [us] to the best extent he can and adds to it to complete His plan.

This is definitely what i need to be reminded of. especially going to Australia this summer. I keep freaking out about what if i'm not ready yet, what if i can't handle everything - telling others about christ, going to a foreign land, stepping out of my comfort zone. and ultimately my hugest fear: dealing with a kind of stress i haven't before and not turning to cutting. I worry that since this stress is something i really haven't experienced before i will turn back to my old ways of relieving it. all these thoughts over take me and freeze me in feeling completely inadequate.

But if i remember the feeding of the 5,000, God is only asking me to bring what I can, which is myself. He will take me and use the gifts he has given me, the passions he has given me, and He will do the rest. He will fill me up with himself so I can complete his will. so so comforting. knowing that I am not doing this all on my own and that Jesus will be with me.

all he wants is myself. and my willingness. He will do the rest.