Lately I've been struggling with liking myself and wrestling with God on how he made me. A lot of it stems from insecurity, but i also thing satan is playing a role in telling me the lies that i am believing. It's hard for me to think that God created me to have scars on my arm, to be overweight, to be insecure in my thoughts and personality at times. No, he didn't specifically create me this way, but he has allowed me to figure out who i am through my cutting and weight issues. He has allowed these things into my life and he has used them to create a beautiful daughter in myself. This is hard for me to believe at times.
I was reading Isaiah tonight and came to these verses,
Isaiah 45:9-12 - Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker. Does the clay say to the potter, "what are you making?" does your work say, "he has no hands." woe to him who says to his father, "what have you begotten?" or to his mother, "what have you brought to birth?"
This is what the Lord says - do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands? it is i who made the earth and created mankind upon it. my own hands stretched out the heavens and all their host I have commanded.
wow. who am I to question what he has created? why am I second guessing him about his child; questioning him about the way he created me? why do i feel the need to order him into making me who I want me to be? God didn't just create man, but the whole earth. He knows what he's doing, who am i to try and go against that by questioning it?
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
forgiven inadequacy
a year has come and gone. lots has occurred: full time job at whole foods. checking out cru at umd. applying to umd. working 40 hour weeks. being accepted into umd. drama with people at work. i.e. men. [ha. man oh man]. deciding to quit WF. starting a new chapter of my life at University of Maryland. taking college classes again. being involved in cru. making friendships with Christ as the foundation. commuting 45 min each way. big break in panama city beach, FL. discovering more of who jesus is. realizing He loves me and forgives me despite anything i could do or have done. going on summer project to Australia with cru.
one paragraph. lots of decisions. a boat load of emotions all wrapped up in there.
At Big Break, one of the speakers was Matt Mikalatos [he wrote a book: Imaginary Jesus. go read it. and stick through it till the end. the middle is a bit weird, but the end is incredible]. He spoke about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with bread and fish. [john 6:1-14] Jesus used the bread and fish that a little boy brought Him, which wasn't very much at all, 5 loaves and 2 fish. even the disciples were skeptical: "Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?" [john 6:9]. But Jesus took that and added to it and was able to satisfy the hunger of all 5,000 people.
We are to do this too. but instead of offering bread and fish, we offer ourselves. which is such a frightening thought. but not if you remember the story. Jesus takes what is brought to him [bread, fish, .us.] and uses it [us] to the best extent he can and adds to it to complete His plan.
This is definitely what i need to be reminded of. especially going to Australia this summer. I keep freaking out about what if i'm not ready yet, what if i can't handle everything - telling others about christ, going to a foreign land, stepping out of my comfort zone. and ultimately my hugest fear: dealing with a kind of stress i haven't before and not turning to cutting. I worry that since this stress is something i really haven't experienced before i will turn back to my old ways of relieving it. all these thoughts over take me and freeze me in feeling completely inadequate.
But if i remember the feeding of the 5,000, God is only asking me to bring what I can, which is myself. He will take me and use the gifts he has given me, the passions he has given me, and He will do the rest. He will fill me up with himself so I can complete his will. so so comforting. knowing that I am not doing this all on my own and that Jesus will be with me.
all he wants is myself. and my willingness. He will do the rest.
one paragraph. lots of decisions. a boat load of emotions all wrapped up in there.
At Big Break, one of the speakers was Matt Mikalatos [he wrote a book: Imaginary Jesus. go read it. and stick through it till the end. the middle is a bit weird, but the end is incredible]. He spoke about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with bread and fish. [john 6:1-14] Jesus used the bread and fish that a little boy brought Him, which wasn't very much at all, 5 loaves and 2 fish. even the disciples were skeptical: "Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?" [john 6:9]. But Jesus took that and added to it and was able to satisfy the hunger of all 5,000 people.
We are to do this too. but instead of offering bread and fish, we offer ourselves. which is such a frightening thought. but not if you remember the story. Jesus takes what is brought to him [bread, fish, .us.] and uses it [us] to the best extent he can and adds to it to complete His plan.
This is definitely what i need to be reminded of. especially going to Australia this summer. I keep freaking out about what if i'm not ready yet, what if i can't handle everything - telling others about christ, going to a foreign land, stepping out of my comfort zone. and ultimately my hugest fear: dealing with a kind of stress i haven't before and not turning to cutting. I worry that since this stress is something i really haven't experienced before i will turn back to my old ways of relieving it. all these thoughts over take me and freeze me in feeling completely inadequate.
But if i remember the feeding of the 5,000, God is only asking me to bring what I can, which is myself. He will take me and use the gifts he has given me, the passions he has given me, and He will do the rest. He will fill me up with himself so I can complete his will. so so comforting. knowing that I am not doing this all on my own and that Jesus will be with me.
all he wants is myself. and my willingness. He will do the rest.
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