He is Mighty and Moving.

There are so many things to write about. So many. But I will stick with just one for now because I don’t want to forget it, or forget how God is mighty and moving.

I have taken on a minor: Global Poverty.

A few weeks ago I was trying to decide if I should take on this minor or any for that matter. I talked to Jesus about it and was trying to figure out if this is where He wanted me to go with my education. When signing up for classes I discovered that I would not be able to register for classes full time in my major of Public Health because all the upper electives for health were already full. Bummer. But this meant that in order to stay full time and not just take random classes I would be able to take on this minor and have the classes count for something!

God: my child, I want you to take on this minor. I have made it possible for you.

Once I declared the minor, there seemed to be so many different opportunities to learn more about what I could use it for. God has placed advocacy on my heart lately. I feel he is leading me to be an advocate for something, but I am unsure for what exactly. Then all these events started coming up.
- This past Sunday was Orphan Sunday and there was an event for orphan advocacy at a friend’s church. Say what, Jesus?
- Next Wednesday there is an event about advocating, organizing and creating change in Maryland’s homeless population; specifically Baltimore.
- Next Saturday there is an event about being able to make in impact through social justice and about how much mercy matters. There are several organizations going to be there that, get this, are organizations where I can intern at for the global poverty minor: Bread for the World, World Vision, and others. And get this also, Cru is helping to host this event. Wait, Jesus, really really?

This Saturday a few friends are getting together to go to Baltimore to hang out for the day. Brianna said that we should make sandwiches to take for the homeless. She said that whenever she goes down to Baltimore she hurts for the homeless and wants to be able to share with them what we have. - wait, what? Isn’t there an event about this on Wednesday?! Oh Jesus, we are able to put this into action already.

I have been praying and seeking the Lords wisdom in what I should do with my summer next year. I came across this wonderful internship with Compassion International in Colorado. Fantastic opportunity because it goes perfectly with my major of Public health and minor of global poverty and it’s a paid internship! Only problem is that the minimum GPA to apply is 3.2. Meaning I have to get 2 A’s and 2 B’s this semester for it to happen. It’s possible, but I have to work my butt off.

Then I get an email from Cru saying that my name has been passed on as someone who may have an interest in going on Cru’s Summer-In-The-City Project. How my name got passed on, only God know. Such timing, huh? You spend the summer in an inner city ministering to the poor yet having hands on opportunities to help with poverty, racial reconciliation, and cross cultural understanding. This I am very unsure about, but am definitely praying it through. This email also comes at a time when I am deciding on whether or not to take a 5th class next semester. A class about this very topic. Public Health in the City: Global & Domestic Perspectives on Health in the Urban Environment. Wait, say what?

This morning I was talking over with Jesus on whether or not I should take this class. I was thinking against taking it because I felt that my heart was not that passionate about it, and in order for me to spend time doing something I have to be passionate about it for me to be any bit successful. I was asking God to give my heart a passion for this area or direct my passion elsewhere.

Right after I was asking Jesus to allow me to hear what he has to say and listen to him, something popped into my head. What do you have to do to be passionate about something? Learn more about it! And to learn more about it you have to study it. You study to learn more about a topic. And as you learn more you become passionate about the topic.

God totally answered my question on whether or not to take this class.

He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humble with your God. - Micah 6:8

beautiful masterpiece

Lately I've been struggling with liking myself and wrestling with God on how he made me. A lot of it stems from insecurity, but i also thing satan is playing a role in telling me the lies that i am believing. It's hard for me to think that God created me to have scars on my arm, to be overweight, to be insecure in my thoughts and personality at times. No, he didn't specifically create me this way, but he has allowed me to figure out who i am through my cutting and weight issues. He has allowed these things into my life and he has used them to create a beautiful daughter in myself. This is hard for me to believe at times.

I was reading Isaiah tonight and came to these verses,
Isaiah 45:9-12 - Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker. Does the clay say to the potter, "what are you making?" does your work say, "he has no hands." woe to him who says to his father, "what have you begotten?" or to his mother, "what have you brought to birth?"

This is what the Lord says - do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands? it is i who made the earth and created mankind upon it. my own hands stretched out the heavens and all their host I have commanded.

wow. who am I to question what he has created? why am I second guessing him about his child; questioning him about the way he created me? why do i feel the need to order him into making me who I want me to be? God didn't just create man, but the whole earth. He knows what he's doing, who am i to try and go against that by questioning it?

forgiven inadequacy

a year has come and gone. lots has occurred: full time job at whole foods. checking out cru at umd. applying to umd. working 40 hour weeks. being accepted into umd. drama with people at work. i.e. men. [ha. man oh man]. deciding to quit WF. starting a new chapter of my life at University of Maryland. taking college classes again. being involved in cru. making friendships with Christ as the foundation. commuting 45 min each way. big break in panama city beach, FL. discovering more of who jesus is. realizing He loves me and forgives me despite anything i could do or have done. going on summer project to Australia with cru.

one paragraph. lots of decisions. a boat load of emotions all wrapped up in there.

At Big Break, one of the speakers was Matt Mikalatos [he wrote a book: Imaginary Jesus. go read it. and stick through it till the end. the middle is a bit weird, but the end is incredible]. He spoke about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with bread and fish. [john 6:1-14] Jesus used the bread and fish that a little boy brought Him, which wasn't very much at all, 5 loaves and 2 fish. even the disciples were skeptical: "Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?" [john 6:9]. But Jesus took that and added to it and was able to satisfy the hunger of all 5,000 people.

We are to do this too. but instead of offering bread and fish, we offer ourselves. which is such a frightening thought. but not if you remember the story. Jesus takes what is brought to him [bread, fish, .us.] and uses it [us] to the best extent he can and adds to it to complete His plan.

This is definitely what i need to be reminded of. especially going to Australia this summer. I keep freaking out about what if i'm not ready yet, what if i can't handle everything - telling others about christ, going to a foreign land, stepping out of my comfort zone. and ultimately my hugest fear: dealing with a kind of stress i haven't before and not turning to cutting. I worry that since this stress is something i really haven't experienced before i will turn back to my old ways of relieving it. all these thoughts over take me and freeze me in feeling completely inadequate.

But if i remember the feeding of the 5,000, God is only asking me to bring what I can, which is myself. He will take me and use the gifts he has given me, the passions he has given me, and He will do the rest. He will fill me up with himself so I can complete his will. so so comforting. knowing that I am not doing this all on my own and that Jesus will be with me.

all he wants is myself. and my willingness. He will do the rest.

Taking the semester off is harder than you think (but definitely not as stressful!)

It’s March. Three months into the year and two months into the spring semester that I am not apart of.

I definitely thought I would have a job by this time. It’s kind of frustrating because when applying for a nursing assistant job, more often than not, they want you to have experience. I have one semester worth of experience. Which is clearly not enough for employers because I am zero for six. Six jobs applied to, zero responses. I am trying to be patient while I wait for more jobs to open up.

And while I have been waiting on job stuff, God apparently has other plans for me at the moment. I have been in the babysitting mode for the past week in a half and have made more than I have made in a year. It’s been good, but very exhausting. I haven’t babysat in a while and it’s kind of a rude awaking of how hard it is. However, It is rewarding. I love kids. And tomorrow I get to hang out with a bunch of infants!

Babysitting this past week and a half has got me thinking a lot too. Growing up, I have always wanted to just get married and have a family. Not to be working full time for a while lot years, but to be a full time Mama. Recently, my mind has kind of opened up to how much responsibility it is! Not only being a mama, but also getting married. I am sure it is well worth it, because I know that tied up in all that responsibility is laughter.love.joy.

So I guess you could say that I have learned something. I am content at being single. For now. And I never thought I would be here.

Ohh Stevenson

I have neglected this blog. But even if I had readers, I wouldn’t apologize. I am not a big fan of people saying they are sorry all over the place for not posting often. It’s their blog and they have no obligation to post for people. But maybe it’s just me.

This semester has been one of the most challenging ones, to say the least. And not the good kind of challenging. I am so glad that it is over so very soon! 3 weeks from now I will be forever done with Stevenson. Unless God wants me back here, but I really hope that is not the case.

I have not been impressed with the way the school has been running the nursing program at all. I feel as if they are putting all their money and energy to grow the school by spend a million on starting a football team; taking many, many pictures of students with a cardboard cutout of Michelle Obama to send to her so she can imagine herself here, so she will then come to speak at graduation [I feel that this is the stupidest idea ever]; building a gym on the OM campus so they can have all the athletics on the Owings Mills campus; and I could go on. All the while this is going on, the nursing skills lab has been flooding and every time someone smokes outside of the building the lovely air circulation thingy will pull the smoke air into the skills lab.

There have been a lot of deaths related to the nursing program, too. One students dad died of a heart attack, another had her aunt, uncle and grandmother die in a car accident, a teachers husband died of a stroke, and my advisors dad passed away. All of these were unexpected, except for my advisors dad.

I have found that I am not a fan of teachers that have just graduated from graduate school for teaching. They are they hardest teachers ever. Also, I am not a fan whatsoever of partners who go to the teacher if they have a problem with you instead of just talking to you about it. Yes, this happened. Are we 5 or something? I am also not a fan of health assessment teachers telling you that you have to let your partner have ‘full access’ to your body to finish the course requirements.

In other news: I am taking next semester off from school.

Scrubbin’ to the elbows!

This morning I embarked on a new part of my life. It was my first clinical day at Franklin Square Hospital.

As I was driving to the hospital this morning, just as the first light rays were hitting the sky, I was thinking to myself that I really did it. I really am in nursing school. Woah!

As I drove down 695, I couldn’t help but think about all the classes I had been through to get to this point. All the exams, all the papers, all the stress that I have been through, and then I thought about what is still coming up for me, aand I decided not to think about it right then.

I found the employee parking lot, parked, and boarded the shuttle to take me to the hospital building. We pulled up to the side door, exited, and walked through into the hospital. I remember my instructor telling me to follow the long hallway till I got to the cafeteria and we would meet there at quarter to 8. I found it no problem [but there was still the anxiety present] and realized that I had over a half hour to sit and wait for every one else to arrive.

I picked a seat that would have a clear view of the entranceway and pulled out my pharmacology notes to study for my exam that was tonight. I studied for a few minutes, and then I just started to look around. That’s when it struck me. I had not been in a hospital cafeteria since Amy was in the NICU 14 years ago.

I remember it all very vividly even though I was only 4 at the time. Josh had stayed home with someone, since he was only 2, while Katie and I went with Dad to visit Mom and Amy. I remember scrubbing up with this scratchy soap or something all the way up to my elbows, putting on a gown that was altogether too big for my little 4-year old body, and trying to figure out how to put on my facemask while keeping my sleeves out of the way.

I remember walking over to visit my sister, and hearing all the machines beeping and blaring. It was either one of us; Katie or myself, who kept asking what all the machines were for. The nurse on duty was so nice and calm when she answered and told us what everything did and why it was hooked up to our sister, all the while getting Amy out of her incubator into mom’s waiting arms.

When the visit was over, Dad took Katie and I down to the cafeteria to get ice cream. And this is strictly a memory thing; there is no home video about this [I remember looking].

As I sat in the cafeteria at Franklin Square this morning I was over struck by emotions that I didn’t expect. I thought back through all the years since I was last in a hospital cafeteria and just realized how much we all have grown. Amy is no longer a very sick baby in the neonatal intensive care unit, but is a teenager with an attitude to boot. I am no longer that four year-old visiting her sister in the hospital, but a junior in college in the nursing program.

It’s amazing how time changes everything. Just imaging what can happen in the next 14 years.

Wound healing

Almost 2 years ago in the spring semester of 2008, I took anatomy and physiology II at AACC. I took it with Larsen as my instructor who, with the exception of Dr. Dean, has been my favorite teacher of all times.

I remember very vividly learning about wounds and wound healing on the second day of class that January week. I normally have a very good memory, but I especially remember this because I was attempting to stop cutting around this time. I remember sitting there trying not to cry when we were learning about the immune response that went along with wound healing, and how many factors go into this process. I saw pictures of what was going on under the layers of skin and imagined it happening right at that moment under the skin of my arms. I found out that it was the collagen fibers that were responsible for the scars on my arms that were visible to everybody’s eyes.

I don't know exactly if learning that was to blame, or if it just added to the package of everything piling up [I am pretty sure it was the latter] but the last week in that January, the 28^th to be exact, was the last time I purposely cut myself. And oh, what a long road it has been since then.

And as I sit here, in the library at the School of Business at Stevenson University, working on a case study that is due tomorrow for Pathophysiology, I am revisiting that subject of wound healing and the process behind it. I am revisiting the memories of that last week in that particular January, and thinking how I will not go back. I have been cut free since that January 28^th, 594 days ago, and the only plan I have is to add to that number.

So, if you will excuse me, I am going to finish writing about wound care, glance at my own collagen fibers that have made their way onto my arm, [wonder if they will ever completely fade away], and continue to count the days that have gone by.