acceptance

What is it? What does it feel like? Well, for me that explains most of my afternoon and evening. At school here, campus crusaders have a girls bible study that meets on Sunday nights. Tonight we decided to forfeit the bible study to have a "share" night. A night where we get to know each other better, hear about one another's hurts, blessings, pains, joys, and just a night where each girl catches the others up on what happened in their lives before we all met. Let me just say right now that it was amazing. I have never felt fellowship like that. As each one of us shared, nobody had a judgmental attitude and nobody acted like anyone was crazy. Just genuine caring all around. 

Myself, I am a person that loves to listen to others much more then sharing what I am thinking and feeling. I love knowing how people are doing, whether it be good or bad or somewhere in between. So tonight when I was listening to the other girls talk about themselves, I started to tear up. You should hear some of their stories. Actually, it's more then just a story, it's a story about someone's life. What they are going through and how they dealt/are dealing with it. In most of the stories, there was a lot of sadness, a lot of pain, some joy, but more then anything else, there was honesty. That meant the most to me. Nobody was fake, nobody felt the need to hide who they really were and nobody felt the need to hide how they really feel about certain situations. It was very refreshing. 

I shared my feelings about having a special needs sister, depression, cutting, low self-esteem, you know, all that fun stuff. 

Tonight was a milestone for me, in a sense, because I shared about my cutting. That topic is one that is very hard for me to talk about. Maybe since it is still fresh, or maybe because I was so ashamed of doing it. Whatever the reason, it felt really good to be able to talk about it without feeling like people are going to judge me. Don't get me wrong, I am not "over" cutting; don't think I will ever be. It has been 294 days since the last time i embarked on a cutting phase. And yes, i am counting every day.  I am striving for the one year mark. I can make it. I know i can, right?

Purpose

I have a blog, now what? What do I write about first? Do I start out with something that I have been thinking about for a while? Do I start out with something funny? Or something about myself?  

I want this blog to be about me. About my thoughts, about my ideas. But not only that, I want it to be ... I don't know. I have a hard time getting my thoughts out onto "paper". I end up doing a good job, but it takes a while. Maybe I just have to many expectations of this blog. 

One of the reasons I wanted to start a blog was because I wanted to keep a journal of my thoughts, of my ideas, and pretty much just who I am at this point in my life. To keep a chronological "book" about my time at college, about me living through the rest of my teens and the beginning of my 20's. And perhaps, just perhaps, through my journey of dating and marriage. Don't worry, I am not saying that I have a guy in mind, but ever since I was little the only thing I really wanted to do with my life was to get married and have children. 

Right now I am going to school for nursing. It has it's high points and low points. I am only in my first year, but i can already feel the pressure of getting good grades. Wanting to be a nurse is just not enough, I am realizing. The competition is huge, and good grades are mandatory, or so it seems and feels. That B+ is not good enough, not even that A-, the A+ is what we are all pushing for. 

I hope I will not get lost in the shuffle of grades, and competition and all those other things that go along. I need to keep my eyes on the finish line. What exactly am i going to school for, and why. 

My name is Rebecca, and I am going to school to become a NICU nurse. I have such a heart for children, babies in particular, and I want to help them survive. I want to give them a chance to live, just like Christ has done for me.